friendships at work problems

Its just a good excuse for you to show up and to say, who are some of the people in this organization I would love to interact with? SHASTA NELSON: When I go in and do these assessments with teams, vulnerability is always the one that managers are like, oh, thats the one Im not sure that I need here in the workplace. To Aliyahs surprise, Carlos didnt push back. Youre still going to feel like those are just all human emotions, when people interact. ALISON BEARD: So there are really tangible, measurable benefits, both to the individual and the team or organization as a result of work friendships? And how do you do that in a natural way? Be sad. But office friendships can have downsides, too. Narrow the scope of your interactions Decide where you want to draw the line. Grieve. And so when youre talking about the friend who is like a sister to you, thats probably a relationships thats at the top of the triangle. We went on early morning runs together and drank lots of wine on Friday nights. This will give you useful information to disentangle your current relationship and will help you avoid similar situations in the future. There is a serious crisis of connection today, and its having an effect on everything from employee happiness and wellbeing to organizational attraction and retention. Everything that we want people feeling like theyre being celebrated, that takes vulnerability. Millions of people suffer from loneliness. ALISON BEARD: And heres what I love about all three of them. It looked at how friendship was important but it had costs in terms of being emotionally taxing to people. Theres been very little distinction between levels of friendship like closeness, maturity and status differentials in friendship. Everything we name is an outcome or an example or illustration. This crisis demands attention. But its not a uniformly good thing. Allow yourself some time to . Id love to dig into those three requirements of friendship that I talked about in the intro, and youve referenced since. For example, encourage cross-training or have workers rotate job duties so they can collaborate with people in other areas of the company. . And that is like so much easier than like, I just moved in six years ago and thought I should come introduce myself to you. Maybe somebody was really annoyed at me because they needed me for something, and they think I was just, La-la-la, off in France on vacation. ALISON BEARD: I do want to talk a little bit about some of the downsides or risks that people see in workplace friendships. But at a minimum, coworkers need to talk more and email less. We need to show up with positivity, which means we need to be celebrating people who are different from us, affirming them, expressing that, really helping them feel accepted. If youre the CEO of a startup and you want to create a collegial culture, you might also want to put some things in place to ensure that these dark sides dont occur. This was when I knew I had to put an end to the nonsense. Still, she wasnt sure how to handle it. But office friendships can have downsides, too. Gallup also found a concrete link between having a best friend at work and the amount of effort a worker expends on their job. Moreover, friendship in the workplace as a social group motivates workers to share ideas and methods for solving problems or generating new services or products (Helmy et al., 2020; Berman et al., 2002) suggested that friendships in the workplace may help employees to experience a sense of belonging and involvement in the work environment, and . SHASTA NELSON: Oh, thanks so much for having me. And so to me, this is a really big leadership issue. SHASTA NELSON: I think were talking about all of that. We cannot allow for a world where the people that we need making the biggest, bravest, boldest decisions for us are the people who are doing it from a place of lack and fear. Those were the things that we were curious to explore more deeply. If youre spending more time on video or phone, replace that with a couple of emails. You want to create some physical distance and tone down the intensity of your interactions, says David. SHASTA NELSON: For sure, yeah. And you know, in 20 minutes we can ask, yeah, tell me how you got started at this organization. Having solid friendships is important for two main reasons. The best way to connect is to see each other even if its on Zoom or FaceTime. Plan on-site social events, meetings, or lunches. Craving More. ALISON BEARD: And is the idea that, say, I see an initial spark with a colleague, I should try to build along each pillar with them quite consciously? No problem, but there's another writer who . Here are some actions to take right now: Everyone needs a buddy, especially when theyre new to a company. For example, if you spend a lot of time together in person, replace those interactions with emails. ALISON BEARD: Any kind of friendship requires an investment of time and energy. Certainly Ive experienced and Im sure others have experienced [thinking,] Oh, these co-workers went and hung out without me. You might not have even seen that clique in person in the office. You need to be aware that other people might be feeling excluded. And those are the moments that are getting harder right now to replicate if were remote. Ted Bird was my first work best friend. And so when weve been out there talking about why we need better relationships, that consistency piece is the one that people always raise their hand and say, that is the hardest one to make happen in a busy life. So everything else we think about a friendship is either an example of one of those three things, like we say, I need somebody whos funny. People are experiencing declining social wellbeing, but work can be an important place to reconnect and rejuvenate based on developing friendships, belonging, trust and community. SHASTA NELSON: Positivity. You may understand that they were slow to respond on email because theyve just posted that they had a family member who was ill. You may have much more insight, and you can give them a break, because you have more understanding of whats going on in their life. If the problem persists, you may need to dilute the friendship by seeing her less frequently and/or relying on more reliable friends. An edited transcript of the conversation follows. Theyre telling us that they dont feel safe in our relationships, and they dont feel seen for all of who they are. Knowledge at Wharton: What might be an example of that kind of a conflict? And the percentage of people who say they care about having friends at work drops from 54% among Baby Boomers to 41% among Millennials. We dont feel that connected. At that time, I was in my mid-20s. The author offers four ways managers can create and maintain a friendship-friendly workplace that delivers measurable results. Good. Move peoples workspaces closer together. It has a dynamic that involves communal types of exchange-based norms. HBR Learnings online leadership training helps you hone your skills with courses like Difficult Interactions. Im doing this because this is what our job is. Friendship expert Shasta Nelson says that the best relationships, including the ones you form at work, are built on three pillars, consistency, vulnerability and positivity. In fact, studies have found that older . Its making sure that were intentional about all those other interactions and the ways that we have people having fun and being relaxed a little bit more, and enjoying each other, and weve got to really brainstorm how to do these other two pieces well. We need to prove that were reliable, that we arent only advocates when its trendy, that we arent only speaking to this topic after a murder, when we are like, we need to be people who say, Im still in this. You know, can bosses be good friends with their employees? Can I see multiple sides to the problem the person is experiencing or just their own perspective? In the U.S., two in 10 workers spend a lot of the day feeling lonely. But there are constructive actions individuals can takeand actions companies can take as wellto create and renew connections at work. 61% don't socialize with their coworkers outside of work. Its the middle ground, where youre kind of friends with people, but your relationship isnt so secure that it can withstand the fight, that you pull back. It probably makes you want to show up to work. When another colleague pulled Aliyah aside to tell her that she was really concerned about how much time she was spending on the phone with Carlos and suggested she set some limits on her generosity, she knew it was time to make a change. For your employees who dont have friends they can count on, work can be miserable and that misery can make their lives worse than having no work at all. You know, youre meeting with people. Or maybe theres an employee resource group that Im thinking about joining, and who are a few people who are active in that that I could reach out to? So how do I build on that pillar in a way that feels safe? I think when we show up new, we sometimes want everybody else to reach out to us, and we kind of want to take a back seat and be the observer. None of my friends were married. So Franco leaned on her friends for support. You dont want to go from being their best friend to refusing to having lunch with them because youre at the end of your rope, David says. Having a good friend at work makes work more enjoyable and provides support Face-to-face after-work drinks are the most popular team-building activity People prefer in-person team-building activities to the virtual equivalents London has some of the country's loneliest employees: 47% don't have a friend at work Happiness vs Salary Knowledge at Wharton: As you were going about your study, what were some questions that came up for future research? Well you dont actually need somebody whos funny to bond with them, but that might be one of the ways you like experiencing positivity. Follow these tips to make and sustain lasting friendships. It has aspects where the primary goals are relational and socio-emotional. You know, really opening up to a colleague, having them opening up to you. For example, a number of my colleagues are also my friends on social media. Rothbard: Whats also really important is when you do have a friendship across hierarchical lines, youve got to be much more vigilant about how it appears to other people. Were actually missing the more intimacy, like really feeling known or being closer to people. And so the way were doing our lives now isnt working. We saw our core contribution as digging into those complexities and seeing friendships differently. These different features of organizational life sometimes clash with friendship. Think about the problems your colleague shares with you and carve out one or two of them that you want to continue to help with, says McKee. A hobby you share? And the more important thing is to be really clear about what expectations you have from people at different levels. 1. If he stopped by her desk, shed tell him she was busy trying to get work done and ask him to email her. In addition, they will share information about new opportunities and encourage you to reach for new levels of career growth. Teaming up new hires with veteran employees can expedite onboarding and productivity. Were not seeing those who we need to see. Because, you know, you fight with your family, you fight with your friends and you can make up with them, and its okay. How do you relate authentically to people, and when do they perceive you to be genuine somebody who is yourself at work? And you probably have high vulnerability. You may work in the finance team together and share ideas about personal investing or work together in marketing and exchange thoughts about how youre building your personal brands on social media. I would be having a sharing question at the beginning of every meeting that was not just filler, until everyone got on, and it was as valuable. For example, instead of people choosing their own teams, you can have people from different areas of the organization on the teams to guard against challenges with decision-making. 2023 Knowledge at Wharton. We dont really know. Unfortunately, says David, theres no clear line in the sand of whats OK and whats not. But if you answer no to any of these questions, consider making changes. You know? They report they would give up career advancement and even up to 6% of salary to have stronger ties with colleagues. Relationship expert and author Shasta Nelson explains why its vital to have friends at work. But companies that prioritize their workers social well-being and give people opportunities to make friends at work could help solve the epidemic of loneliness, which afflicts far too much of humanity. And that was fascinating to us, because friendship is really all around us at work. People also post opinions, and those opinions may not be shared by everyone. Having a close friend at work can make you happier, more productive, and less likely to quit. The key to an effective buddy system is the frequency of the interactions. You know, and so what can I do to say to that friend, like, hey, maybe we should end every week for 15 minutes together, like cheering with the end of the week together. You can also offer to connect the person with someone who can help them with their problems. So again, were not saying you shouldnt encourage friendship, but an awareness of the dark sides and how to guard against them structurally within the organization is a really great thing that managers can do. Get a little bit of their history. The amount of time they spent discussing his personal life was way too high, Aliyah says and their work wasnt getting done. She knew she had to pull back. This is a BETA experience. You have more creativity. I realized that his oversharing was about trying to make sure I was on his side, so now I just make sure he knows I am, she says. So I think these same three requirements give us so much wisdom and information to how we can show up and be better allies, better mentors, better friends, better team members. So how can managers create and maintain a friendship-friendly workplace that delivers measurable results while also helping to combat the global epidemic of loneliness? Your employees want to feel that too the satisfaction and pride of creating something great while having fun. With his consent, I [also] spoke to his manager about him needing to take some time off, which shifted some of the responsibility from her to the organization. In addition to people who take action to build relationships, organizations can also be intentional about creating the conditions for employees to gain a sense of belonging. Dont cut them off entirely In most cases, theres no need to abruptly end the relationship. Even though we no longer work together, we still see each other often and are on good terms.. The Most Important Career Question To Ask YourselfAnd Why Your Answer Matters, Its Time For Job Seekers To Ask The Hard Questions And Be Treated With Respect, How Covid Changed The Workplace: Its A Whole New World Out There, How To Quickly Bounce Back After Being Fired, 3 Secrets For Success In Multifamily Residential Development, Manage Your Mental Chatter to Become A Better Leader, Workers Are Tailoring Their Schedules To Accommodate Their Productivity Peaks, Resulting In A Dead Zone. To effectively manage the transition you should: 1) Acknowledge the power shift; 2) Accept your new role; 3) Be consistent and fair with your team members; 4) Don't let emotions get in the way . (You can . But its amazing to me organizations like Gallup have been saying for two decades the best employees, meaning the most engaged, the best customer service, they call into sick less frequently, they have fewer workplace accidents, yadda, yadda, yadda. Having a work friend increases their happiness, motivation, belonging, and confidence . If youve ever been part of a collaborative jam session, you know the feeling. So thats an example of how social media can amplify some of these dark sides. So I mean, the research is really significant, but this matters. What should you do if youve gotten too emotionally involved? Having a close friend at work can make you happier, more productive, and less likely to quit. But just as she was mustering the courage to do so, Carlos was involved in a car accident that kept him out of work for several weeks. Case Study #2: Use the direct approach if you think itll work Sophia Bland, the chief information officer of ResumeGo, a small business that offers career coaching and resume writing services, managed a close friend who she had known since college. In particular, when employees have few friends at work, they report a 71% stronger intention to quit, and when they lack a sense of belonging they report a 176% greater likelihood of seeking another job outside the company. But you dont want to let your emotions take over and become so involved in a work friendship that it depletes your energy and productivity, says Susan David, author ofEmotional Agility. And it didnt surprise any of us that coworkers, or those friends were high on the list, but it was even shocking to me that it was number one. Pillemer: One of the insights was what Nancy just described, which is that the defining features of friendship can be fundamentally in conflict with the defining features of organizational life. It wasnt that we became friends because we had like all this blocked off time together. Organizations have a role to play in creating belonging. SHASTA NELSON: Yeah. They are expected to bring people closer, create a feel-good environment and make it fun to come to work. And thats great. Adam Buchholz is our audio product manager. Connect them with someone who can help, David says. Rothbard: We want to emphasize that its not always a bad thing. Annie McKee, a senior fellow at the University of Pennsylvania Graduate School of Education and the author ofHow to Be Happy at Work agrees. For one, there is the issue of scale. Its allowing us to connect to people more deeply, right? Pros By making friends at work, employees can: Fulfill a basic need for human connection Form personally valuable relationships that enable them to flourish in the workplace; for example, friends at work can: Provide encouragement Serve as a sounding board for ideas Share knowledge Help their friends to develop skills All rights reserved. They listen well. During . Exposure to new people creates opportunities to meet new friends. So she asked herself, How do we dial it back? The next time Carlos called, she encouraged him to reach out to a non-work friend and talk to his parents. ALISON BEARD: OK, so now lets turn to the hardest leg of the triangle, vulnerability. There are all these different flavors of friendship that can really influence outcomes. Pillemer: First, just be aware that these challenges can arise. According to the BetterUp study, only 31% of people are satisfied with the amount of social connection they have at work, and 43 . Theyll be aware that I wasnt working for the last week. But its not a uniformly good thing. Nancy Rothbard. How can I bring more of myself to work and have it be of benefit to this workplace? In. As I discuss in my new book, Blind Spot: The Global Rise of Unhappiness and How Leaders Missed It, loneliness is all too common. And when organizations fail to bring people together, they suffer the consequences as well. Among people working in hybrid environments, Gallup has seen a five-point decline in those who say they have a best friend at work since 2019. I mean, if your employers doing their job right and hiring for their best outcome, which comes from diversity, then that workplace should be a place where, that gives you the, kind of like back to the point, thats your school from where you were a kid. This episode was produced by Mary Dooe. How do you respond to that skepticism? If youre spending a lot of time together in person, replace those interactions with phone calls. So positivity first. Friends and co-workers. So, people spend a lot of their lives at work, and thats where theyre most likely to develop friendships. For people who started working remotely full time in 2020, one of the biggest changes was the sharp decrease in hours they spent engaging socially with work friends. Can CEOs have really close friends when theyre managing everyone? Youre still going to feel a little bit left out. When people were more connected, they reported the following benefits: Friends can provide feedback and coaching, and they are those from whom you can learn. Having a good relationship with your manager can help make your workplace a pleasant environment. Yet Gallups data shows that having a best friend at work is strongly linked to business outcomes, including improvements in profitability, safety, inventory control, and employee retention. Our conversations were constantly around friendships how friendships at work were both enriching and life-giving and sometimes exceedingly complex resulting in people even wanting to switch organizations. At a personal level, you can take action to make and maintain friendships by investing time with colleagues. Christopher Nolan's latest blockbuster movie "Oppenheimer" has sparked controversy among the Hindu-right in India, with some calling for a boycott and demanding the removal of a sex scene in . Broadly speaking, we make friends at work either to help us get something done (task related) or for emotional support (someone to have lunch with or talk about work-related problems). And yet, to your point, its kind of crazy how many people resist that, feel uncomfortable with it, or dont want to foster that in the workplace employers and employees. They dont feel affirmed. The impact on people when they werent connected with others was also telling. With the unavoidable increase in remote and hybrid work, best friends at work have become lifelines who provide crucial social connection, collaboration, and support for each other during times of change. You could say, were opposed to friendship. Friendships can have a major impact on your health and well-being. I hear from so many people that at the end of the day, they have interacted all day, but they are exhausted by it. SHASTA NELSON: Yes, I think that is such a timely question. Having a close friend at work can make you happier, more productive, and less likely to quit.